(SBT) Cupertino,CA - Months after the famed CEO and computer innovator Steve Jobs passed away, Apple “Genius Bar” Technicians were able to briefly recover the deceased tech mogul for an hour before a factory reset code sent him catatonic and left him unable to operate. 

Under the condition of anonymity, an Apple employee who goes by the ichat handle of “brianw86” told us that the failed operation was not intended to resurrect the lost CEO. 

“Really, what we were trying to do was get a hold of some of the more important documents he had that we had no backups of. Oh, and also we wanted to get that album that his friend gave him of bootleg recordings from a Creed show in Sydney, that was a pretty good show and you can’t find the recordings anywhere”

“I was afraid we had lost those tracks” said Brianw86.

Brian continued on to detail that the documents included plans for ipads numbered 4-7.099. 

When we asked an Apple PR representative about the issue, she put out a press release stating

“While we continue to mourn the loss of Dear Leader, we have faith in our new executive and we hope to move past this without incident. Really, this wasn’t intended on bringing back Mr Jobs permanently, we simply wished to recover some material and retire the outdated head of the company”

8:07 pm  •  12 March 2012  •  1 note

Washington, DC (2/11/12) - Today all branches of the US government were in a rush for damage control when the infamous government and corporate secrets site wikileaks.org released 387 new cables, emails, text messages and facebook ims between various high level government officials planning pranks against each other. 

The various pranks included George W. Bush lobbing cruise missiles laden with stink bombs into Versailles during the lead up to the Iraq War, President Barack Obama ordering black helicopters to follow Ron Paul in an effort to spark his paranoia and leaving a suitcase labeled “Bailout Money” in front of the Greek Parliament attached to a string so that John Boehner could pull it, forcing MPs to chase it around for his own amusement. 

This is a developing story and we intend to bring you a statement from President Barack Obama on the matter as soon as the South Bay Times acquires one. 

7:26 pm  •  11 February 2012  •  16 notes

10:52 pm  •  3 February 2012  •  36 notes

Primary season is something that seems to always get the blood boiling in candidates. However, perennial candidate and future footnote Ron Paul seems to have given up hope for his presidential ambitions. 

After countless years of campaigning for states rights like a modern day John C Calhoun, Ron Paul has hit rough times. Strong showings in early primary states such as New Hampshire and Iowa were only in contrast to overwhelming victories of other candidates. 

But don’t think for one minute that Ron Paul’s political ambitions are in any way over. While he does not pose a real threat to other candidates for President of the United States, his fan base on the net is something to envy. 

Ron Paul has captured a demographic that no other candidate has done before, the 14-20 year old affluent white boy demographic. Members of the demographic will often tell you themselves, they are the most powerful people in America. They desire revolution but only enough to excite them into orgasm. And their ambivalence towards minority, gay and womens rights is easy to see on websites such as 4chan.org where they congregate. For Ron Paul, this is his prime constituency. 

“I feel like my message really reaches out to these kids” said Ron Paul in an interview with us, end the fed.

“I think that changing my ambitions so that I may become King of the Internet is really a smart move, end the fed. From that position, I can make sure young white males experience no censorship, need not worry about uppity minorities ruining their good time and can download all the freaky disgusting lolita porn they want, end the fed”

Ron Paul’s ambitions are unique to the modern age. He is a man who holds 19th century values that made America great and he uses the technology of the 21st century to promote them. Ladies and Gentlemen, the South Bay Times gives their endorsement to Ron Paul as our steampunk King of the Internet 

9:28 pm  •  21 January 2012  •  12 notes

Today in Madison, the Wisconsin Democratic Party announced that they have collected 1 million signatures from the diverse and politically independent state that demonstrated a show of resolve in demanding the re-airing of the cult classic TV show “Arrested Development”

Allegations of foul play are coming from all sides, particularly labor union advocates who ask “Wait, wasn’t this about Walker?”

Activists on the left claim that the petitions they had signed were to oust the Republican Governor Scott Walker in a recall effort but the Wisconsin Democrats pulled a classic bait and switch 

Alyssa Paul, a school teacher and public sector union advocate had this to say

“I searched my name and it was definitely on the petition with all my contact information. But I know for a fact I didn’t sign a petition wanting to bring back Arrested Development”

Ms Paul goes on to state that a photocopy of the petition shows clear eraser marks and the faint words “Recall Scott Walker”, with “Bring Back Arrested Development” written crudely on top of it. 

“I thought I was taking part in a massive populist action in defense of workers rights, not guaranteeing Jeffrey Tambor’s career”

Her accusations mirror those of hundreds of thousands of Wisconsin citizens who feel they have been duped. The petition however has gotten Fox Broadcasting’s attention and they reassured the public that they would release the film and TV rights to the video streaming company Netflix. 

“I don’t even like Arrested Development. I think Will Arnett is annoying frankly. Must be something about his face” said Ms Paul. 

9:35 pm  •  17 January 2012  •  151 notes

To most people, George Wilson’s half million dollar home in the community of Newport Beach appears to be the epitome of the American dream, white picket fence included. But according to Mr Wilson, it is the current battleground of racism and prejudice. 

Mr Wilson has come under fire for statements he made working at Lewis Construction, where he manages 4 teams of mostly African-American and Latino construction workers both on construction sites and in the office.

“I simply said that if blacks wanted to avoid racism, they would stop dressing like Snoopy dogg and speaking ebonics so that white people would relate to them more” stated Wilson. 

Wilson continued on, to say “I was accosted verbally by a belligerent black guy on one of my crews. I forget his name but he said that I talked like a slave owner and I felt it was incredibly racist to make me feel bad and guilty because of my race”

James Turner was the African American employee who confronted Wilson with racist accusations of slave ownership. He had this to say in his defense

“Listen, Wilson was saying some very harmful toxic things about the African American community. He wondered why we didn’t have suburban homes and was well convinced that all of us live in the ghetto. He has a history of saying these blatantly racist and offensive things. He even went so far as firing Alfonso for speaking Spanish at work. The man is an immigrant and he’s still learning English! It’s not right!”

Wilson’s life has not been easy since he became the victim of unstoppable racial prejudice. 

“I’ve had to watch my every word to avoid saying stuff I typically use in everyday conversation such as nigger or spic. Making me change my very language to accommodate these people is the definition of racism. I face discrimination every day at work, people speak about me in Mexican, the black workers on my crew leave wherever they are when I come to join them on break and I’ve even seen emails sent to the Southern Poverty Law Center by my Mexican employees attempting to get me fired.”

Wilson then leaned back, took a sip of his martini and turned on his 56” flat screen TV. 

“Every day is a living nightmare for me nowadays. My life has been ravaged by racism and the prejudice that Dr King tried to eradicate.”

Special thanks to DepressingFacts for revealing this compelling story of heartache and racial oppression. 

4:29 pm  •  17 January 2012  •  138 notes

Today. Redondo Beach teen Martin Bahr was shocked by an announcement that sent ripples through his high school Redondo Shores High and the community at large. Citing inaccurate accounting methods, reckless spending and poor revenue opportunities, Standard and Poors downgraded Martins sock drawer where he keeps his money from AAA to AA-.

“Never before have we seen a downgrade this drastic in nature” said Robert Emerson, professor of Economics at San Gabriel Community College “The fact that they would even rate the IOUs issued by Martin at AAA in the first place is simple evidence of the bubble mentality we have in this country and how easy it is to get hyped up by something as simple as a summer job or a one time profit on selling a carton of cigarettes to a friend.”

This announcement comes on the heels of last weeks news which left Martin and IOU holders in shock. When an IOU holder attempted to cash his IOU, Martin searched his sock drawer and found only a 20 dollar bill. He then had to put a freeze on all IOUs conversion to cash while he looks for ways to raise revenue. 

The cooked books are to blame for the sudden market shock that sent the price of bad weed in a downward spiral at Redondo High when it dawned upon dealers that Martins loser friends will have to tighten their belt due to the bad news. 

Martin Bahr had this to say on the matter “I could’ve sworn I had a hundred somewhere in here. I swear to god, I’m gonna kick my brothers ass if he took it. I’ve got Laura breathing down my neck about this IOU thing and she has a huge boyfriend, I don’t want to get mixed up with that mess” 

10:08 pm  •  16 January 2012  •  10 notes

9:32 pm  •  15 January 2012  •  14 notes

A new study performed by the University of Chicago school of economics reports that the American middle class has grown by 6.4% despite high unemployment, declining wages and inflation.

University of Chicago professor Alan Quixote said that the rising American middle class would finally make the United States competitive with China and is the result of neo-liberal policies in government, including slashed welfare benefits, free trade agreements and union busting.

“Policymakers and think tanks have been recommending these actions since the 1970s and now that we’ve finally implemented them, the dreams of the think tanks are coming true” he said

The methodology of the survey was called into question. Surveyors worked in 20 major cities asking passerby on the sidewalk if they would participate in a short survey for 5 dollars. Critics state that the monetary incentive skews the participants notion of class. 

A major critic of the study, Professor of Statistics George C Manack at Cal Poly Pomona said “5 dollars makes a very big difference in today’s society. 5 dollars can buy one person 2 full meals and that level of food security may make one perceive themselves as middle class.”

We at The South Bay Times caught up with survey respondents in the South Bay area, one of many areas the survey took place in.

Felix Martines from San Pedro, CA had this much to say about his self professed middle class status

“I think that I’m middle class mostly because people will trust me with debt. I mean I have a credit card, I’ve got about 56k in student debt, I’m pretty much living the middle class life. I just need to get out of my apartment and over leverage myself a home to be secure in the middle class”

Patti Sherman from Seal Beach, CA had a different interpretation of what it meant to be middle class. She said

“I feel like being middle class is about what you’re not. You see, I’m not black, I don’t speak Spanish and I don’t park the BMW that I’ve been living in since the layoffs in the ghetto. I have air conditioning, heating, a radio and a leather seat where I live nowadays, I’m obviously well entrenched in the middle class even though the last few months haven’t been my brightest moment.”

8:01 pm  •  14 January 2012  •  3 notes

Civil libertarians, Latino-American activists and the Mexican government were infuriated today by the INS deportation of 700 Mexican nationals from the small village of Los Coloradas, Baja California. 

An Immigration and Naturalization Service agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity says that Thursday of last week, a task force of 300 agents, assisted by local law enforcement was headed to raid the sweatshop district of San Diego, looking for illegal aliens, however because the law enforcement agents didn’t know who they were following to the site of the raid, they ended up following an inconspicuous white van down to the small Mexican village of Los Coloradas, approximately 100 km west of Mexicali.

When they arrived in the village, agents began their routine of going door to door and demanding to see visas or citizenship papers. None of the villagers were able to comply with the request, so they were thrown in the back of the van and deported. 

The anonymous INS agent said “They had thought that they were part of the single biggest bust in INS history, even since Operation Wetback. They were planning a celebration and already arguing over whether they should get the 12 foot long sub or a bunch of pizzas”

When asked over the phone what became of those deported, Attorney General Eric Holder had this to say 

“We can’t tell you for sure what happened to them. The INS is very efficient at getting illegal immigrants out of this country and part of that efficiency comes from the lack of paperwork involved. We have been monitoring Los Coloradas for the past week and it seems no one has returned yet, but we will keep the press informed if there are any new developments”

7:06 pm  •  14 January 2012  •  16 notes